There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing