You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.