I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time