DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
mentally somewhere in italy
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Mad Max: Furry Road
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real