I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Mistakes were made
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.