Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Sorry. Not sorry