It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.