When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Me too 😆
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO