Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
FINE, I WON’T.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.