If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Rt to bother an English speaker
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.