[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
You Might Also Like
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My time has come.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times