How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
You Might Also Like
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The devil.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.