Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral