Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
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me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work