Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Herpes is trending, good job people
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles