My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
You Might Also Like
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.