*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Happy birthday to all the women
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.