her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
#Caturday
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta