Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
whenever i wake up before my alarm
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.