i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The honesty is refreshing
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
translated into Canadian
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”