6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Its true…
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises