Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
23. the denim jacket
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Happy Thanksgiving
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.