Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling