ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
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Me: Same.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.