Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me