Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
You Might Also Like
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer