100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something