Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
The pen is writier than the sword.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*