I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.