The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
#SCOTUS one-star review
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*