I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
This kid is going places
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”