I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
gentlemen, hear me out
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH