Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do