Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days