I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?