I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Some people were born into their job.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
notice
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back