We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer