My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
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I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket