GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”