“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
become ungovernable