{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
#dalle2