Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.