Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me after eating Cheetos
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.