temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?