My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
You Might Also Like
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
this is the best day of my life
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Banana is the quietest snack
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️