Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.