*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…