I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Probably my best painting.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex