Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
You Might Also Like
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Cats (2019)
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
#ProTip
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.