[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
A fake ID that makes you younger
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.